I woke up this morning and there was an open box of tampons on the bathroom counter. Tampons? Really? I hadn’t seen tampons in my house in over a year. “Are you using these tampons?” I asked Jules, yelling from the bathroom while sitting on the toilet.
“Um…yeah,” she responded, like it was a dumb question.
“Awww, Jackie boy, your momma has become a woman,” I yelled to Jack in the other room.
Julie started laughing hysterically. I love that. The sound of my wife in full on laughter is my favorite thing in the entire world. I try to make it happen at least once a day. It makes me fall in love with her again and again, and it keeps me sane, especially when so many other aspects of our lives have changed over the past year. So, yes, my wife has become a woman…again. But I know what that box of tampons also means. I stared at it for a solid five minutes cursing it in my head. Aunt Flow has returned, and with her she’s brought yet one more excuse for us to not have sex.
I miss making love to my wife. It hasn’t happened since August 19th. Yes, I know the date. Well, there was one other time maybe back in September when we tried, but there’s something about having sex with a crying baby in the next room and a dog sniffing your ass that just doesn’t work for me. I’d classify it more as an honorable attempt. But hey, at this point, I’ll take it.
I get why it’s not happening. As misguided as it might be, I get why she doesn’t feel attractive, despite the fact that I’m more attracted to her than ever. I get why she thinks she’s fat and unsexy, which she’s totally not. I get that there’s still lingering physical issues with having to push seven pounds of Jack out of her poor vagina.
I know sex is the last thing on her mind after spending a day juggling a new job and new motherhood. But I also know that seeing how strong she is, makes me want her more. I know why she chooses sleep over sex. I understand that it’s hard to get in the mood when you’re sleeping less than five hours a night and have a little man sucking on your tit for a quarter of the day. I know the opportunities just aren’t there. I know we’re not going out and coming home drunk to an empty house anymore. I know.
The thing is, it’s not really just about getting laid. I can pretty much relieve that issue myself, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the past few decades. I hope she knows that it’s not really about just having sex. That seems so selfish and unimportant. It’s more about her. It’s more about having something that’s just us again. It’s about connecting to the way we were. I miss the way we were before Jack, it’s hard to just let that go. I don’t want to, and I don’t think we totally should.
Before Jack, we never argued. We never fought. We had conversations that didn’t revolve around baby stuff or child rearing. We went out. We had fun. We got drunk. We made love. There were no expectations. There was just us. Us living; us loving; us laughing; us fucking; us period. I know we can’t really go back to those times, and I know neither of us would want to. We love our son and are excited about seeing him grow up. We are excited to be parents, even if we never planned to be. We are better for having him in our lives. Sure, we still have fun, and we are still in love; maybe even more than ever. We were always the ultimate team, and now we are even stronger. Now we are three.
It’s different now, though. Way more different than I ever thought it would be. I wonder if most people really know what to expect before undertaking this adventure of parenthood? Do they know what it will do to their former selves? Do they know how much it will change their relationship, for better or worse? I know I didn’t, I know we didn’t, and that’s with putting in over a decade together before becoming parents. I can’t imagine doing this in any less of a relationship than what we have.
I’m extremely thankful for the relationship we have. Things are slowly getting better as we’re getting used to our new lives. Things are getting back to normal, or at least our new normal. We’re figuring things out; we’re helping each other along; we’re getting the band back together, so to speak. We’re learning how to communicate even better and we are learning how to be parents, together.
I wouldn’t change anything about our lives right now, but, I feel that if we can re-establish some of the non child related intimacy in our lives, we’ll be better for it. We need it, even if we both don’t totally realize it yet. We need to have something that is still just about us, in our life that is now pretty much just about Jack. We need to be able to go back to those times that got us here, so we realize why we are doing this in the first place. Even if its just for some brief moments. Even if it’s just having sex again.
We are a family now, there’s no turning back and there’s no running away. I just want to make sure we don’t lose sight of that couple that started all of this in the first place. I’m pretty sure we’ll get there, I’m pretty sure we’ll figure this out, and I’m damn sure that when we do start having sex again, we’ll be using birth control.